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In Alphabet of the Arcane, Justin Maudslien, aka Sub-Human’s Mr. M., explores weird and little known factoids and shares his skewed observations about the world of comics, cartoons and sequential art.

Greetings and salutations mortals, it is I, the bringer of blogs, the conjurer of connotations, the wordsmith of…um…words.

This episode is brought to you by the letter P and the number 1. You might be thinking: “Oh great, an entire blog about golden showers or other sick fetishes… but no!  Relax, faithful readers, for I have brewed up a subject for the ages. Take note of your location because some day your grandchildren will ask where were you the day you read– The Infamous Pimp Slap comic blog.

Photo taken from Photobucket, created by Major_Payn3

A Brief History of Pimping (It Ain’t Easy)

For those of you living under a rock for the past three decades, let me back up and explain not only what a pimp is, but what a pimp slap is. A pimp is a fleshmonger who profits from the services of prostitutes. One of the most notorious pimps in history would be Al Capone. In exchange for a share of the prostitutes earnings the pimp provides protection and will bail the “ho” out of jail. Pimps recruit young ladies to a world of prostitution, or turning out, and often use psychological as well as intimidation to keep their “stable” or group of prostitutes in line.  The term pimp is now used to describe something that is flashy, over the top, and dominantly male.

Some popular pimps over the years:

Now to celebrate a lesser known pimp, you have heard of Conan the Barbarian, maybe even Conan the Destroyer, now learn to fear Conan the Pimp!

One of the key factors in pimping is controlling the girls and maintaining dominance, this can be done with the pimp slap. The pimp slap is an open handed backhand usually to the face.

Now you may be wondering, what on earth could pimp slapping have to do with comics?  But, you would be surprised just how many characters in the multi-verse have inflicted or suffered from the dreaded pimp slap.  The beauty of sequential art is that one moment in time is frozen for all to see.  This is usually the most dramatic pose for a certain time period.  Comics are filled with fights since heroes fight villains, villains fight villains, and sometimes heroes fight heroes.  In all those physical brawls many punches are thrown, but only some rare occasions are pimp slaps thrown.  So sit back, relax, and enjoy the barrage of backhands.

What Did Five Fingers Say to the Face?

Thanos shows how it is done:

Superpimp throws down with Wonder Woman and an angel.

I’m the Juggernaut Bitch!

Captain America takes it like a man:

Avengers Assemble…I mean Pimp Slap!

Beast had it coming, he was getting all uppity.

Sometimes in the heat of the moment, you can’t drop what is in your hand, but the meaning remains clear.

Other times superheroes forget to always strike with the back of the hand.  Here are a few striking examples of the bitch slap, a distant cousin to the pimp slap.

Back to the backhand in the Battle for the Cowl.

How do the X-Men do it?  Old School Pimp Slap, the kind that might leave a mark, that’s how.

What comes around goes around Cyclops.

The Fantastic Pimp!

Incredibly Pimped!

A playful Pimp slap.

Harry Osborn gets a bitch slap from when he tells his girlfriend the condom broke.

When Lois Lane dresses up like a clown, watch out, she’s in the mood to bitch slap some thugs.

Let this be a lesson to you, be careful who you pimp slap, they just may shout Shazam!

There are certain people that will not only beg for a Pimp slap, but they will thank you for it afterwards.

And the Harvey Award for best Pimp slap goes to:  Jim Lee!

Exhibit A

If you ever get a chance to slap Billy Ray Cirus, don’t waste it with a gauntlet, go for the backhand, like he deserves!

One of the final lessons is when Pimp slaps go wrong, such as in Astounding Wolf-Man.

Black Adam does not quite get the idea and takes it one step too far.

The most famous of all pimp slaps in comics was administered by Hank Pym, a founding Avenger, upon his wife Janet Pym.  This is now referred to as the Pym Slap.  Let’s go to the recap.

Maybe Hank is just misunderstood, maybe in an alternate reality he really is a sensitive guy…

Or maybe not.

Remember kids, always keep your Pym hand strong.

Justin Maudslien is the artist and writer behind Sub-Human (http://www.sub-human.org), a semi-autobiographical comic about a borderline alcoholic fanboy bumbling his way through the Seattle school system as a substitute teacher. He is also the West Coast satellite for the Sequential Art Collective. His more “informal blog” can be found at http://www.myspace.com/subhumanthecomic.