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In Alphabet of the Arcane, Justin Maudslien, aka Sub-Human’s Mr. M., explores weird and little known factoids and shares his skewed observations about the world of comics, cartoons and sequential art.

Surrender all free will for your Supreme Overlord, Mr. M,  has arrived!   Gather round my halflings and let me tell you a tale of hard riffs and clashing swords.  This bi-weekly blog is brought to you by the number 8 and the letter L.  This time L stands for Lord of the Rings and Lead singers of metal bands.  These are a few of my favorite things!

Once I set foot back on the continent from my recent trip I felt overdosed on culture.  I had to reintroduce myself to the American past time of getting fatter by sitting on the couch, and what better way than a movie trilogy marathon?  It came to my attention that most of the characters in Lord of the Rings resemble heavy metal singers.  It might be: the testosterone soaked beards; the manly grimaces; all that hair whipping around; or even the sweaty muscles holding axes, but any way you slice it with a battle axe it is clear there is nothing more metal than a medieval fantasy world like Middle Earth.

I looked a little more closely and found that many metal bands take their name directly from the famed books of yesteryear.  For example the Viking Death Metal band Amon Amarth took their name from the elvish word for Mount Doom.  Another band went so far to call themselves Gandalf, the main wizard of the story.

Gandalf the Band

Gandalf the Wizard

The Lord of the Rings trilogy was found in metal far before the Finnish band Gandalf howled into microphones.  Years ago, Led Zeppelin squeezed in references to Tolkien’s works.  Still there is a connection between these two worlds and it isn’t because I think all white people look alike.

So throw up the metal horns, grab an axe, and scream out as you lead the hobbits into Mordor.

Still not convinced? Lets go to exhibit A:

Legolas and the Children of Bodom lead singer.

Okay maybe after a few drinks it might be a little more obvious, but see what I mean?

Aragorn/Strider is probably the most metal character in cinematic history, at first Strider was going to be the only character so metal no lead singer could replace him.  Then I heard Mastodon.

Frodo recast as the Holy Diver himself, Ronnie James Dio!

Another hobbit is Pippen who looks mysteriously like an old Anthrax singer.

Merry the hobbit should be singing pouring some sugar on a hobbit lass back home.

Samwise (aka Rudy) should be leading Mr. Frodo while singing Du Hast by Rammstein

Bilbo could be the scariest character in the trilogy, who else could pull off this look but GWAR!

Gimli the dwarf recast as Rob Zombie

The list goes on with the nobles.

The original character who sparked the idea for this blog was Faramir who looks exactly like Dave Mustane from Megadeth.  They both live in the shadows of others, either an older brother or a more successful band namely Metalica.

Speaking of older brothers, Boromir could be replaced by Bruce Dickinson.  Give that man a mustache and horn and he will demand more cowbell!

One does not simply rock into Mordor!

Eomer may have been a Swedish death metal singer in another life, because he looks just like Michael from Opeth.

King Theoden could be replaced with the man many consider to be a founder of metal, Robert Plant from Led Zeppelin.

That dude from the Matrix who keeps saying “Mr. Anderson,” otherwise known as Elrond, could be switched with the lead singer of Goatwhore and no one would be the wiser except a few scared goats.

Haldir’s feminine mystique somehow reminds me of the prettiest man in rock, Sebastian Bach.

Treebeard is to halflings as Amon Amarth is to vikings.  Hear the black birds cry!

Eowyn and Lita Ford, both could kiss me deadly any day of the week.

Arwen Evenstar recast with — who else? — Steven Tyler.

It is amazing how those lips look exactly alike.

Okay seriously Arwen could be replaced by the hot girl from Cadaveria.

The Elven Queen Galadriel resembles the screaming hottie from Arch Enemy

Bring on the Bad Guys!

One one man could pull off Gollum and that is the scariest man in metal, the lead singer from Strapping Young Lad.

Who else could play Wormtongue than Danny Filth from Cradle of Filth.

If you ever wanted to know what the  Witchking looks like under his armor look to Lordi!

Now the Witchking needs a dragon (or Fellbeast) to ride.  A beast with a scream that can empty a man’s bowels from miles away, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Lemmy.

Just to be upfront with you there is an Italian band called Balrog and a Balrog from the Street Fighter games, but they don’t pass the “metal look” test, so the mantle of the recasting of Balrog goes to Danzig, of Misfts fame.  Both Balrog and Danzig could both scare off a cave full of orcs just by the power of their horns.  Flame On!

If you have Denethor, a crazy old dude who eats birds with blood running down his chin, there really is only one logical choice, Ozzy!

If you still need proof here is a closeup of Denethor eating a bird, sound familiar?

Uruk hai orcs could be considered an army of Sepultura lead singers.

Sharku may have a great “metal face,” but the Swedish band In Flames has a singer who could be Aragon’s new arch nemesis.

Snaga wants some fresh meat, but if he was smart he would ask for some Pure American Metal since he looks like the guy from Lamb of God.

Grishnakh is another Orc in need of a lead singer switch, how about the guy from Moonspell (who also looks like Balki from the sitcom Perfect Strangers).

Ugluk also has a band named after him, but they still don’t compare to Type O Negative’s Peter Steele’s as for medieval warrior looks.

Lurtz is one weird looking creature, almost as weird as the guy from Celtic Frost.

Saruman may rip them all down, but the dude from Behemoth may be able to rip just a little better.

Here are some honorable mentions that should be cast in the metal remake of Lord of the Rings.  Here are the frontpeople of Hanzel und Gretyl, Dimmu Borgir, Deicide, Fear Factory, and Static X.

Just in case it isn’t obvious, I mean no disrespect.  I love Lord of the Rings and love the metal, and I’m sure I forgot a few bands or characters, but bare with it.  For those about to rock… Frodo salutes you!

Justin Maudslien is the artist and writer behind Sub-Human (http://www.sub-human.org), a semi-autobiographical comic about a borderline alcoholic fanboy bumbling his way through the Seattle school system as a substitute teacher. He is also the West Coast satellite for the Sequential Art Collective. His more “informal blog” can be found at http://www.myspace.com/subhumanthecomic.